I wonder if I really want to write, or if I've been lying to myself all this time, because the minute I have a deadline in the picture, not a single word wants to work past my fingertips.
I wonder if people have lied to me.
I've always found so much encouragement from those around me, but when I look at what my work, all I can see is crap. In all truth, I suppose a crisis as such was a long time coming, but it's still a horrible place to find yourself with deadlines on the horizon.
I wonder if my own attitudes have ruined me.
My perfectionism may not touch many aspects of my life, but my writing has always been one of them. I stare and stare at the pages all day and just... decide it's not good enough. Crumple the paper, throw it at the trash can, start over again.
I know I must write the trash to write the treasure, but all I see is the trash...
I wonder if I'm truly committed.
A born procrastinator, my motto has often been, "Why do today what can be put off until tomorrow?"
Yet now, as I work through my projects, I find myself putting off some of the harder things, saying I do it tomorrow... But my deadlines come in with the tomorrows and laters, and they will be here and I won't be ready if I keep on the way I am.
I wonder if I'm good enough.
I'm 21 years old --surely I have more to learn about writing! Am I truly ready to be published or do I just want to be?
It's been a life-long dream --but what a short life. Should I wait? Should I seize whatever moment I see?
I wonder if the expectations of others have crippled me.
I was voted "Most Likely to Write a Novel" when I graduated middle school and again when I graduated high school. People expect it of me, but not only that --they expect it to be great.
I'm not sure I'm capable of great. What if it's only alright? What it it gets lost in a sea of other works and never sees the light of day?
"Not all those who wander are lost."
~J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Fellowship of the Ring"
I hate feeling lost like little else. It might bare equal hatred as feeling helpless, but I suppose I've been blessed in the fact that I've felt it only rarely.
What a time to feel lost! With on deadline approaching quickly and another on the way!